hope?

for whichever of my friends who knows what i'm talking about, please, PLEASE keep pushing me right now. i need your help.

a.m.

i'm just perpetually stuck in dysfunctional relationships. whether it be with family, or a significant other, it's always a codependant thing, and i always end up with the short end of the stick. i can't escape it. i feel like half a person. it's 2:00 in the morning, and i can't sleep. i don't even know why i'm around anymore. i'm not living for my own benefit, always somebody else's. i think i've run out of things to give. now i'm just focused on not hurting anybody else. no matter what decision i make, someone's always hurt by it. it doesn't matter that it's my decision, and that i'm the one that's directly affected by it. maybe i'm going to live the rest of my life like this. wouldn't matter much i guess, i barely feel it anymore. it's like a huge scar. the scar tissue doesn't have much feeling left. i can't even express my real problems on here. and i'm too stupid not to fix it. and eventually i'll run out of people to help me with it. i'm never going to escape. just another day, with my fake countenance slowly deteriorating.

She says wake up, its no use pretending
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving, over autumn's ending.
one of us will die inside these arms.

eyes wide open
naked as we came.
one will spread our
ashes round the yard.

She says if i leave before you darling,
don't you waste me in the ground.
I lay smiling, like our sleeping children.
one of us will die inside these arms.

eyes wide open
naked as we came.
one will spread our
ashes round the yard.

Iron and Wine.

Gnignol

breathe deep,
feel the warmth spreading in my chest.
close my eyes,
pull you a little closer.
in your arms,
ghost fingertips trailing on my skin.
slight tremors,
where your touches linger.
limpid eyes,
pouring heat into mine.
liquid fire,
filling every vein.
insatiable Longing,
you keep my heart beating.
soft embrace,
hold me for eternity.



so today wasn't a great day...but it got a bit better. still have a cold, but oh well.

(roar)

i think i've developed a bad attitude lately...become a jerk, maybe. too sure of myself, stuck up. especially when it comes to school. i feel i'm being treated like a six year old. it makes me angry. i've lost just about all patience with anybody. i'm not sure if my current relationship is going to hold out. i'm sick of dealing with people's crap. when i'm not around one of my friends at school (a.k.a. nick or brandon, and occasionally other persons), i'm ready to kill someone. i'm not sure if i just need to adjust my attitude, or i have a right to be like this. i certainly have developed an "independant spirit", and i need to tone it down a bit. but how? and why did i get like this? maybe it's a know-it-all teenager stage. lol. i just want to go away from it all. be around people who are laid back, comforting, and understanding. i hate how complicated people make things. or maybe i'm the one complicating them, i dunno...and i feel that no matter how hard i try, no one's ever satisfied. i find out that my school doesn't think i "challenged" myself last year, when i worked my butt off. i'm constantly trying to make members of my family happy, and they just continually get upset with me. just want to get out.

currently listening to: Brand New Colony---The Postal Service

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...