just writing to write

i really haven't posted anything in a long time. i guess i should. this past friday i moved everything from my dad's house to my mom's. on tuesday i started at port clinton high school. it's actually going ok...haven't made any friends though. except one guy, and i think his interest is not one of being friends...so...that's not all too good. the classes aren't all too hard...physics is actually cake compared to bridges' physics, i LOVE my literature class. we're reading Dante's Inferno. it's amazing. the teachers are cool, too. but i sit by myself at lunch, and that sucks. anyways though, i think i'm adjusting atleast rather well. i miss everyone terribly. there's this kid that kind of looks like brandon, and i probably freak him out because i'm always staring at him. i'm just drawn to him, though. but i know he's not really brandon....i haven't found anyone that looks like nick, unfortunately. there's just wayyy too many people, i can't keep all of them straight. there's no way i'll ever be able to meet them all. then there's this kid who looks like taylor, whom i had an odd run-in with a few months ago. he noticed me..and i'm not sure if that's good or bad. either way, we'll see. winter break is coming up quickly too =] but, just wanted to post something, say hi. call me sometime, whoever reads this. lol.

Salad Fingers

a light at the end of the tunnel.

do you know what i think is the best rule in the world? the rule that, if in a nursing home, no one is allowed to stop you from having sex if you and your partner have the mental and physical capacities to do so. (By the way, this only applies to residents of said nursing home...the thought just occurred to me that someone might take this as a free-for-all, and walk into a nursing home, thinking that they're legally allowed to have sex on the premises.) anyways, i think this is wonderful. i mean, if i have to get old, atleast now i know it won't be all bad. but i guess i don't have to worry about that anyways, i'm going to stop aging at 30. ha.

your voice in my head

My favorite song currently is "Cars and Telephones" by Arcade Fire. It gets to me so much...it's practically the embodiment of the feelings you get in a long distance relationship. This song kills me.

I read the pages about me
In her autobiography
They were brief and to the point
A flash, while you are getting dressed
A memory that needs to be repressed
I'll just wait until it's over

Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say
Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say

Cause I like cars more than telephones
Your voice in my ear makes me feel so alone
Tonight I'm gonna drive
The silver moon is shining bright
Over the interstate
God saying hurry don't be late
Soon the sun will rise
That's when the romance dies
And I'm just tired of running around

I walked
To get the mail today
I guess
Your letter never came
I'll just Check again tomorrow

A flash while you are getting dressed
A Memory that needs to be repressed
I'll just wait without saying a word

Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say
Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say

Cause I like cars more than telephones
Your voice in my head makes me feel so alone
Tonight I'm gonna drive
The silver moon is shining bright
Over the interstate
God saying hurry don't be late
Soon the sun will rise
That's when the romance dies
And I'm just tired of running around

But f*ck it I love you even if
I'm gonna feel like shit
By the time I get to you
Now the sky is turning blue
The stars they disappear
One by one as the daylights nears
And yes you're in my head
But that doesn't make you here
And I've lost all my friends
But you're the one I miss the most
And now I'm almost there
Yeah I'm almost to the coast
And if I had any notion
Of how I'm gonna drive my car across
the Atlantic Ocean,
I'd be f*cking set.

50 Things She Wishes You Knew

maybe brandon's right, i should get a hobby. i should! i like knitting, yes, but as mrs. stripe's knitting class proved last year, i'm not good at it...i think i'm too meticulous, and the whole process gets messed up because i'm pulling everything too tightly because i want it to look uniform. knitting would be nice though, and productive. perhaps i'll try again someday...perhaps embroidery. i could embroider sheep on EVERYTHING. i'd enjoy that. but yea, another day, doing absolutely nothing. can hopefully go to school tomorrow though =] here's a list of approximately 50 things that women wishes their boyfriends knew. i say approximately, because i edited the original article and took out some i didn't care for. but here's the rest, and i agree with the majority of them. lol. I took the time to highlight everything i really really agree with in white. haha. I would say that most women would have to agree with these as well. enjoy.


2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. (AHEM, Brandon)
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

boooooooooooored

so I've officially done NOTHING productive today. nothing. nunca. nada. woke up at 9:00, got ready for the day...realized everyone had left the house without me. in that time, i watched peter pan. then everyone came home, and immediately went to their rooms to hide. so, i've been in mine for the past four hours, watching spongebob. i've also eaten nothing worthwhile. two chocolate covered cherries (soon to be three), a bowl of frosted mini wheats, and a cup of dehydrated, processed, salt-based chicken bouillion noodles. yum yum. so...offline again for more spongebob, and..yea. my eyes are going to burn out of my head.

When Everything Stops

I saw three really sad things this evening. This world has become so numb, so apathetic to anyone in suffering, it disgusts me. Maybe i'm just overly sensitive. First I watched "Philadelphia" with my mom, because she had heard it was a "great drama". oh, yea, great depressing drama. Tom Hanks is Andrew, who is gay and has AIDS. He dies. I cried. Then, when I went to meet my dad, the parking lot we meet in was selling christmas trees, and they had a Petting Zoo. Now who in their right mind puts little animals in a flimsy tent outside, in the winter at night? I couldn't even look at it, I felt so terrible. And then, to top it all off, I find Rodney, my squirrel, dead in the yard! :( Poor Rodney :(. I feel terrible for him, too. I must say that most people today take so many things for granted. Not the suffering, no, they appreciate. But us, those who have no more troubles than a fight at school or with parents, or a disappointment when they don't get their frigging new gadget when they want it. What about all the innocent children who die because they've never had enough to eat? They've never gone to school. They've never rode in a car. They've never gone to the mall, done anything fun. Some of them might not even have parents around anymore. What about all the animals that suffer abuse and neglect at the hands of negligent, worthless, scum sucking lowlife owners? This world makes me sick. I just have to remind myself that Tom Hanks is not dead, nor does he have AIDS. The little animals at the winter petting zoo all have big warm parkas, and Rodney died at a good old age. Rest In Peace, Rodney.

relatively clear mind

i went out and bought arcade fire's first cd "Funeral" the other day...great piece of music, don't get me wrong, but i was throughly disappointed to not find either two of my favorite songs, "Oldflame" and "Cars and Telephones". this of course, because i did not look at the track list. come to find out, those songs belong on a self-titled EP released in 2003. shame shame =/. i'll be moving out either the second or third week in december, i'm not sure yet. it depends on how long my dad is gonna have me stick around. i thoroughly enjoy not going to school...didn't go today, and i got about 5x as much done as i would've if i had gone. i think i finally know what college i'm going to attend, too. port clinton highschool offers PSOs at the Firelands BGSU campus in Huron. thus, i plan to attend as many classes as possible my senior year, and then finish up at either that campus, or the one in BG. so i'm pretty happy about that, i've never really had a plan when it came to college. i guess now i do. btw, if anyone wants to get me an iPod, that'd be awesome...i have to find a way to save all my music when i move out and leave this computer. i was in detroit the other night in a restaurant, and we walked out and huge, pretty snowflakes were coming down. i must admit, snow is beautiful. if the weather is going to insist on it being so freezing cold, it might as well snow. too bad it hasn't yet here in ohio. i watched that movie "lady in the water" today. never watched it initially, cause i was told it was a bummer. i actually thought it pretty neat. that could be because i have a thing for beautiful, mythological women and paul giamatti. (would be sad if that weren't the correct spelling of his last name, so please don't ridicule me if i'm incorrect, i'm too lazy to look it up at the moment). oh, yea. i'm gonna post an episode of Salad Fingers on here. just thinking about it makes me shiver, that weird green being. ha.

*blank*

sometimes growing up isn't fun. for about a year, i had a huge, great group of close-knit friends. we did everything together. then all of a sudden it was over. i moved away, one ended up in jail, another left completely, and everybody moved out into the real world, with jobs and college. heck, i don't even have my license yet, although i'm almost a year overdue for it. it's just not fun getting left behind. this weekend blew, i was stuck at home...i never go out and do things anymore, i live too far away from anybody. and even if i did have somebody to drive me around, it wouldn't matter, because those friends never hang out anymore. i'm pretty sure my whole life consists of doing dishes three times a day, and laundry, and sitting at my computer. *sigh*. ah well.

Pressure, pt 1

clouds hanging above the ground.
thin and flat, skin covering its earthen flesh.
suspended, heavy.
lowering the weight onto my chest.

mmm

So new York was awesome. I had a great time. I think the memories are even better than actually being there was. My favorite part of new york would have to be times square at night. it was busy, and crazy. overall, amazing. the best part of the trip was definetly virginia though. i LOVED old town in alexandria. just me and the people i wanted to be with discovered it...walking down the brick sidewalks at night, wonderful restaurants, quiet, and nostalgic. *sigh*. i want to go back. so bad. someday =] many wonderful things "someday", i hope. school has sucked lately, so much work. done for now though, i think. did the best i could. listening to the arcade fire, feeling dreamy. don't have time to write more for now. goodbye.

If it weren't for my horse...

yaay! im going away for a week! i can't wait, it's my first big trip out of state. new york here i come!!! i hope it'll be fun. if nothing else, ill come back ten pounds heavier, as my father insisted that he buy me tons of junkfood for the long and grueling bus ride. for instance, we bought chocolatle covered tootsie rolls. now why in the world would i need chocolate covered tootsie rolls? for a snack, yes, but why chocolate covered tootsie rolls? tootsie rolls are already chocolate, putting a coating of chocolate on top of them is ridiculous. i can already feel those tiny processed, chocolate bricks laying in my stomach. *shudders*. nevertheless, i did get andes thin mints, sweet tarts, a giant hersheys bar, granola bars, a super huge bag of twizzlers, and a lot more that i can't even remember. go obesity! my overall goal on this trip is to find and buy a mint green ipod nano video for under $120. gotta love china town. anyways, i hope it'll be fun trip. i shall miss everyone. xoxo.

wildflowers

so i've finally decided to leave. i just hope things get better from here. it's like i'm going into a completely different world, everything's going to change. i feel burdened with guilt, i'm hurting a lot of people with this decision. at the same time though, i'm making another lot of people very happy, and hopefully myself. i worry that things might not be better...maybe i'll regret it? just thinking about what my father and stepmom are feeling right now makes me cry. i just hope that it's worth it. if not, i don't think i'll be able to forgive myself. i'm trying to focus on being happier and more fulfilled, but at the moment it's not working. guess there's no going back now anyways, so it doesn't matter. atleast i still have the rest of my life ahead of me to make it up. *sigh*

Wildflowers

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worries
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

asd;lkvneoidpsivhnioew

i did it.

hope?

for whichever of my friends who knows what i'm talking about, please, PLEASE keep pushing me right now. i need your help.

a.m.

i'm just perpetually stuck in dysfunctional relationships. whether it be with family, or a significant other, it's always a codependant thing, and i always end up with the short end of the stick. i can't escape it. i feel like half a person. it's 2:00 in the morning, and i can't sleep. i don't even know why i'm around anymore. i'm not living for my own benefit, always somebody else's. i think i've run out of things to give. now i'm just focused on not hurting anybody else. no matter what decision i make, someone's always hurt by it. it doesn't matter that it's my decision, and that i'm the one that's directly affected by it. maybe i'm going to live the rest of my life like this. wouldn't matter much i guess, i barely feel it anymore. it's like a huge scar. the scar tissue doesn't have much feeling left. i can't even express my real problems on here. and i'm too stupid not to fix it. and eventually i'll run out of people to help me with it. i'm never going to escape. just another day, with my fake countenance slowly deteriorating.

She says wake up, its no use pretending
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving, over autumn's ending.
one of us will die inside these arms.

eyes wide open
naked as we came.
one will spread our
ashes round the yard.

She says if i leave before you darling,
don't you waste me in the ground.
I lay smiling, like our sleeping children.
one of us will die inside these arms.

eyes wide open
naked as we came.
one will spread our
ashes round the yard.

Iron and Wine.

Gnignol

breathe deep,
feel the warmth spreading in my chest.
close my eyes,
pull you a little closer.
in your arms,
ghost fingertips trailing on my skin.
slight tremors,
where your touches linger.
limpid eyes,
pouring heat into mine.
liquid fire,
filling every vein.
insatiable Longing,
you keep my heart beating.
soft embrace,
hold me for eternity.



so today wasn't a great day...but it got a bit better. still have a cold, but oh well.

(roar)

i think i've developed a bad attitude lately...become a jerk, maybe. too sure of myself, stuck up. especially when it comes to school. i feel i'm being treated like a six year old. it makes me angry. i've lost just about all patience with anybody. i'm not sure if my current relationship is going to hold out. i'm sick of dealing with people's crap. when i'm not around one of my friends at school (a.k.a. nick or brandon, and occasionally other persons), i'm ready to kill someone. i'm not sure if i just need to adjust my attitude, or i have a right to be like this. i certainly have developed an "independant spirit", and i need to tone it down a bit. but how? and why did i get like this? maybe it's a know-it-all teenager stage. lol. i just want to go away from it all. be around people who are laid back, comforting, and understanding. i hate how complicated people make things. or maybe i'm the one complicating them, i dunno...and i feel that no matter how hard i try, no one's ever satisfied. i find out that my school doesn't think i "challenged" myself last year, when i worked my butt off. i'm constantly trying to make members of my family happy, and they just continually get upset with me. just want to get out.

currently listening to: Brand New Colony---The Postal Service

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...

weird topics.

alright, i haven't posted forever..lol. but anyways, i've deemed this summer as a total dud. it's been boring, and well, yeah. that's it. it's been boring. i'm actually really looking forward to school starting in a few weeks, i miss the routine, the diversion, and my friends. will be nice to actually have a schedule again. and i get my license in september, woo! lol. i'd also like to poll whatever people are reading this, what kind of women's body type do you prefer. weird question, yes, but i'm curious. i think it's a general opinion that anorexic looking women are disgusting, but that's an extreme, as is obesity. so, i guess there's about two more options. curvy, 'soft', women like i dunno...drew barrymore, liv tyler, catherine zeta jones, scarlett johansen... Then there's the other end, the slim, not too much meat on them, mischa barton, cameron diaz, and whoever else. anybody have a personal preference?

flyleaf

tonight i caught Flyleaf fever. i had once before heard their song "so sick", and i liked it, but didn't care for it overly...then i heard "all around me". wow, i love this song. i'm usually not a fan of bands with chick lead singers, but this girl is amazing. her name is lacey, and she's 25, as far as i know. she's gorgeous, and her lyrics have had a great effect on me. watch their video to "all around me" here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdDJ6wp-MSQ

owch

i'm tellin ya, if there's one place to never get sunburnt, it's the back of your legs, particularly the back of your knees. it kills. big time. stupid sun...i like being pale, why'd i have to go outside? now i'm in agonizing pain whenever i sit or walk, or do anything, for that matter. my back is pretty bad too. just so happened that i went to the beach, and fell asleep on my stomach. stupid me. currently, my favorite cd has to be "Give Up" by the Postal Service. I love the songs 'such great heights', as most people do, 'nothing better', and 'brand new colony'. good stuff. kinda worried about nick, as i haven't talked to him lately, and i think he deleted his blog...maybe he'll read this. lol. welp, gettin late, cold, going to bed. later.

storm

watched a storm roll in today, it was really cool. there was this huge multi-colored cloud that filled one corner of the sky, and it gradually blew in over head. it was really close, and moving so fast that you could actually watch it progress. was light colored on the top, with a light pink hue. the underneath was charcoal gray and blue. i love thunderstorms, they're amazingly powerful. if i were any element of nature, i'd definetly be a thunderstorm.

garfield

ok, since i'm technologically challenged, i couldn't figure out how to just get the stinking picture on here big enough to be able to read. THUS, just go to the link. it's cute.

http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickcomics/20070610/cx_ga_uc/ga20070610;_ylt=AheIoPhCSjl0JRw6kJr2LuaP6SsC

what the ecky thump?

i have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. im alone. why do i care so much? makes me cry. ok, emotion. bad. push it out of the way.

*ahem*. anyways, the magnificent white stripes have done it again!
went out and bought "icky thump" today. yes, i actually bought a cd. i only do that for bands i really, really like. it is simply amazing. a lot of raw energy, but not raw sound, as their music before 'get behind me satan was'. interestingly enough, their new developments and growth has not hindered their talent or their image. i'm really liking the guitar jack has put into everything. wonderful, catchy riffs, but more complex, and with some distortion that i've only heard him use in his work with the raconteurs. the majority of the album has a bluesy vibe, but with diverse songs. one even sounds like they have an entire mariachi band accompanying them. i guess there's no songs i dont' like, but there are certainly ones i like better, such as '300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues.' here's the first part of it:

i'm calling out to ghosts
that are no longer there.
i'm getting hard on myself,
sitting in my easy chair.
well there's three people
in the mirror
and i'm wondering
which one of them should i choose.
but i can't keep from laughing
spitting out these three hundred m.p.h.
outpour blues

(insert few more verses)

put on gloves, a tight scarf
and wrap up warm
on this winter night,
every time you get defensive,
you're just looking for a fight.
it's safe to say somebody out there's
got a problem with anything you'll do.
well, next time they stab you
dont' fight back
just play the victim,
instead of playing the fool

no idea why, but i feel i can relate to that. a very easy going, but consistent, almost gives you the feeling of trudging, type song. of course, with a few random screaming guitar riffs. gotta love jack. i demand that everybody go out and get the new album. also check out 'icky thump', their first single off of it, 'little cream soda', which has a nice heavy feel to it, and 'rag and bone', which is funny. i <3>

bridges

i decided to make my own post on the topic of bridges, after danny did. ok.

CONS: first off, the new daily program sounds horribly bad. i want CLASSES. not a time where i can think of how to better the community. that's terrible, and that in itself makes me not want to go. yikes. secondly, the language, music, and art programs are bo-log-na. mrs. marshall is a good teacher, and once i got to know her better, i really like her. she didn't sign up to teach the foreign language classes, and she got stuck with a load of crap. i dropped out of spanish, which was not good for me, as i need another foreign language credit. the music classes suck. period. the art class sucks. period. i feel like no one at bridges is organized. nobody let me know how many credits i have, and what i need to take next year to be able to graduate in 09. heck, i don't know what my GPA is. ALSO! another thing that majorly ticked me off was the "letting go" of mrs. stripe and mrs. slosser. they were great teachers, and i liked them a whole stinking lot. it made me extremely, extremely, extremely, EXTREMELY angry to see them go. ok, i'm done being angry now. got that out of my system. anyways, i did learn a lot in english this year, as Mrs. Olthouse is a good teacher, no matter what anybody says. yea, she can be strict about things, but if you listen to her and do as you're told, you learn. a lot.

PROS: alright. well, i think the biggest thing that actually keeps me there are the people. and the PSOs, but we'll see how that goes. at my previous school, i didnt' fit in well. at bridges i can be 100% comfortable with myself, it's really great. ok, so, that's pretty much my "pros" list. mrs. stripe and mrs. slosser would be on it if they were still around =/.

as you can see, the cons very much outweigh the pros for me, but i guess we'll see how things go this year.

what sarah said

this song makes me sad. has a calm, mellow feel about it, as most all death cab songs do. it's about a guy, sitting in the waiting room at a hospital, waiting to hear news about his dying lover. here's the lyrics:

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself'

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..

gross

i've found my biggest pet peeve: people who make noise when they eat because they don't chew with their mouths closed. that is the most annoying sound in the world. atleast, it's one of the top three. yech.

blah

i can't figure out why i feel so angry. maybe it's because i'm lonely. maybe it's because i'm hungry, and we don't have much of anything to eat. maybe it's because we're frigging stranded at home another day because the tire on the van is not yet fixed. whatever it is, it's making me mad. yet again, i can't think of anything with even the slightest importance to type. trying to think of any dreams i had last night, but i don't remember any. so, i suppose i'll tell you of a reaccuring dream i used to have, probably between the ages of 6 and 10.

i'd be in this big, bleakly lit arcade, with black walls and a strip of about 2-inch in diameter multi-colored, round lights acting as a border around the room. in one corner, there's a doorway, but on the other side of the doorway is emptiness. there's no floor, just a big black hole to fall into. there's one metal bar across the doorway, about waist-high. every time i had this dream i'd be playing some sort of game that involved a small ball. every time, the ball would end up bouncing out the door way, and i'd almost fall down into the never-ending hole. at the time, it was terrifying. i can't remember if i ever did fall down the hole or not. i guess not, as at a later date, the dream continued and progressed. i found another doorway in the arcade, and on the other side of it was a big, patel-colored room, in the shape of a long hallway. there was an isle down the hallway, and both sides were lined with little pastel-colored tents. it was a mother and baby room, and every tent had a mother and her baby in it. i think that was the end fo it, atleast as far as i can remember. it never really had an official "End". i must've woken myself up from it every time, something that i can no longer do when i'm having a bad dream. when i was little i also had a dream about talking warthog statues, and flying around on these thin, foam-like sleds. the coolest dream i've ever had would have to be these little basket seats that you sat in, and you pushed the arms of the chair up and down to cause air pressure and make you fly. it was awesome.

i'm done blabbering on for now. later.

love

i forgot to mention in my profile how much i like Bright Eyes. conor oberst, is amazing. anyways, here's the first two verses of their song "The Calendar Hung Itself." good stuff.

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.Oh does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched,and does he cry through broken sentences that I love you far too much? Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried you smoke too many cigarettes.

sounds like a guy deeply and madly in love, if you ask me. i wonder if everybody desires to have somebody that in love with them, or it's just me. i've never been plagued with the question of what love is exactly. thought i felt it once, and in some ways i still believe i did. i wonder how he ended up, i hope he's alright. are all humans programmed to feel such deep attachments to other people? to be incessantly infatuated with them? i guess everybody's idea of "love" is different. can one experience both 'agape' and 'eros' love at the same time? can just one or the other make for a successful relationship? i don't know.

pointless

There really is no point to me writing anything right now, my mind is blank. i gotta stop staying up so late, i end up sleeping till twelve, and then feel quite unproductive. i've realized something. i'm a terrible friend and family member. it kills me to think about it, because it makes me feel bad. but, the fact still remains, i suck at having relationships. there are a few select people i keep in touch with. i can count.....two? yes. two. i live with my father full time, and i don't even keep in touch with my mom regularly, and she's my mom. i never see or talk to my grandparents, outside of the times that we run into eachother, and i know it makes them sad. yet, why do i not call? why don't i send a card? write an email? ANYTHING. here's another example. i used to go to school with a few people who i was really close to. one girl named morgan, in particular, was one of my best friends. wonderful, sweet girl. after i moved, she called me continually. i rarely ever returned her calls, and i was never the one to call her first. i think she eventually gave up, as her number doesn't show up on my caller ID anymore. what's wrong with me? it's not like i don't want to keep in touch with people. i just don't.

dream

had the weirdest dream last night. i think it lasted a good three hours. was at school, although not my school, and there was this new kid. he was human, but he had a weird nose, eyes, and arms. they were black, and almost fishlike, i think. i specifically remember his nose, it was long and hook-shaped, it really freaked me out. i think he was missing half of one leg, too. from what i can remember he was involved in an experiment a few years ago, and ended up disfigured. for some reaosn, i found him attractive. i befriended him, and we got to know eachother better. nobody else would talk to him, so i became his best friend. the details are kind of fuzzy... somehow, throughout the whole thing, he started to lose his fishlike, deformed qualities. he was fragile and pale, and i can't remember if his face resembled anyone that i know. anyways, i think the dream ended with him being on some weird island, because he was so frail, possibly dying. our whole school traveled to see him, although the only people there who were actually from my school was nick and orion. he was in this treehouse, on a bed, and this girl went up to see him to tell him how much she appreciated his story of endurance, because she was sick in some way too. i kept thinking "i wonder if he'll tell me that he loves me". finally, he requested for me to come see him. when i got there, he had his head covered up with a blanket, and he said "i'm your best friend, aren't i?". i thought about it and said yes, and then went to rubbing my hands over his stomach and chest, i dont' know why. i also said something extremely intelligent, one of the most intelligent things i think i'll ever say, even if it was just a dream. unfortunately i don't recall what it was exactly, although it was in reference to love. that's as much as i can remember.

anyways, it was like a complete story, even with a happy ending. but, just a weird dream. it happens.

disconnected

ok, so i finally broke down and created a "blog". what the heck does "blog" mean? is it in the dictionary?

One entry found for blog.
Main Entry: blog Pronunciation: 'blog, 'blägFunction: nounEtymology: short for Weblog: a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer - blog·ger noun - blog·ging noun

ok, i guess so. anyways, sitting in my new house, on a plastic crate that really makes me miss my computer chair. it's cold in here, and i feel sick. i feel stupid for posting thoughts online. who's going to read them? no one. i'm a loser. i like people from my new school (bridges), but even there i sometimes feel disconnected. looking around at everybody elses "blogs" (i'm really starting to hate that word), i realize that i'm not very important. it's nice to feel important sometimes, but really, when school is out, if you're not good friends with those people and see them regularly, they forget about you. yea, i have other friends, but why do i crave to be accepted by my school peers? maybe i subconsciously want to be popular? that's scary.